


Looking Deeper

by RonRos47



Category: Joan of Arcadia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:08:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24072706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonRos47/pseuds/RonRos47
Summary: Trigger Warning: Deals with the subject of self harm
Kudos: 2





	Looking Deeper

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Deals with the subject of self harm

“Hi, Joan,” said hot guy God as he walked beside her with her friends.  
She looked at her friends and then at God and back at her friends, “Uh, hi.” God waited for Joan to say something. “Guys this is one of my…you know what never mind.”  
“Really,” said Grace, “just what we need another sub-defective to hang out with us. Seriously, Girardi, where do you find all of these people?”

“It’s a long story,” Joan replied.

“Hey,” said Adam, “haven’t I seen you before?”

“I’m always around,” said God.

“Uh I’ll catch up with you guys later okay?” said Joan.

Adam looked at her, “really, you’re bailing?”

“It’ll just be a minute.”

“Yeah sure,” said Grace, “have fun with your new boyfriend,” as she and Adam walked away.

“God,” said Joan, “he’s not my boyfriend!”

Grace shook her head, “sure whatever.”

Once they were gone Joan turned to God, “great now my friends think we’re dating which is totally gross by the way but of course you know that because you know I have a crush on you like this. Couldn’t you have turned into I don’t know the old lady?”

“Not today,” said God.

“Why are you showing up around my friends anyway, you know what’s with that?”

“I like to keep things interesting. I need you to do something for me.”

“Surprise, surprise.”

“This is different.”

“Not any more different than say all of the other assignments you’ve given me.”

“I need you to pay attention to your surroundings. Pay attention to people. Sometimes they just need a little help.”

“Right like I haven’t helped enough people already.”

“Okay let me make it simpler. Sometimes people aren’t always who they seem. Sometimes you have to look deeper.”

“Again, like I haven’t done that already. Everyone has a story to tell I get it.”

“Look deeper Joan. You’ll know when you see it.”

*****

“Okay seriously,” Grace said in chem class. “What is it with you and that dude?”

“Nothing.”

“Seriously Girardi, you and that guy seem pretty tight.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Then uncomplicate it,” Grace said.

“She can’t,” said Adam.

“Well why not?”

Adam looked at his work in front of him, “because she never tells us anything.”

Joan looked at him, “Adam, come on.”

“What it’s true. You do all of these weird things, know all these weird people and yet you never let anyone in.”

“He’s right,” Luke chimed in.

Joan turned to Luke, “again no one was talking to you.”

Luke ignored her comment now, “What, it’s true. Even mom and dad see it, we all do.” 

Joan raised her hands up, “I am not having this conversation.”

“You have your reasons,” said Adam, “yo, that’s cool but the way I figure secrets only keep people away. I mean come on, how many secrets have I shared with you and yet I know nothing about yours.”

“None of us do,” said Grace.

Joan sighed. She had wanted more than anything to talk to someone, well Adam and parents at least, but what would they think? Oh Joan talks to God so let’s put her on meds and send her to the insane asylum, sure that would work out well. She’d already done the whole crazy thing and quite frankly she wasn’t a fan even though it did feel nice to be normal for a change but right now that was not the point, okay maybe it was however there would never be a good time to tell them and who knows if she would have been able to. Sure it was all up to her, free will and everything but they probably weren’t ready to hear it and was she ready to tell them?

“Look can we just focus?”

Adam turned his head to look at his work, “Deflection nice. I mean that’s what you do best right?”

Joan was done having this conversation. She wasn’t getting anywhere so there was no point.

*****

“You can tell them if you want, Joan.”

Joan rolled her eyes as God stood near her locker.

“Great now we’re going with the goth.”

“Seriously, Girardi,” Grace said. She was going to stand by her friend and chat but instead decided to walk away.

“Great,” Joan said to him, “as if my friends didn’t think I wasn’t enough of a freak already now they’ll really think I am because I’m standing next to one.”

“You can tell them.”

“Seriously? Wait of course you’re being serious. It’s free will but you know I won’t. There I did what you asked though. I looked deeper and what I found was that my friends don’t trust me and why should they? I do these things I can’t explain, I meet these people who I have to lie about and the last time I talked about you I was thrown into the looney bin.”

“I told you to look deeper and you did sure but you should know by now that you’re not done.”

Joan shook her head, “I know. Can’t you give me a hint? I know, I know, no hints. I have to do this on my own.”

“I’ll see you around.”

“You’re ruining my reputation you know,” Joan called after him.

God did his typical back hand wave.

Grace, who was with the others, all looked at Joan. She looked back at them for a moment, felt awkward and decided to walk in the opposite direction.

*****

The following afternoon as Joan was passing through the hallways she unknowingly bumped into a girl her age. Papers flew everywhere and books dropped to the floor.

“Oh man,” said Joan, “I am so sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was mine,” said Sage.

“Well to be fair I was the one who bumped into you, so-,”

“No it was my fault. Always is.”

The two of them picked up their belongings. 

Once they stood Joan said, “sorry about that. I’m Joan.”

“Sage.”

“Cool name.”

“Thanks.”

Joan looked in Sage’s eyes. It hadn’t gone unnoticed to Joan at the scars on Sage’s wrist. Sage had completely forgot about them until she saw Joan staring, not long but long enough. Sage tightened her long sleeve shirt so the scars couldn’t be seen.

“Guess I’ll see you around,” said Joan.

“Yeah maybe.”

Without another word Sage walked off. Maybe this is what God had meant, to look deeper and that people weren’t always what they seemed to be.

*****

The following day Joan was passing by the art classroom. She couldn’t help but notice Sage in the room talking to her mom.

“Sage,” said Helen, “Sage, you need to slow down.”

“No,” said Sage as she was working ferociously at her easel. “No, no I need to get this done, it’s almost done,” Sage said rapidly. “You see I’ve got an ocean that’s going to go here, and a boat. Oh and then maybe I can add in some ghosts and ufo’s, how cool would that be.”

“It’ll be very cool,” Helen said trying to agree so that she could talk Sage down, “but you don’t have to finish this today. You have all week.”

“But what if I mess up? No I have to get it done so I have plenty of time should I screw it up. I can’t screw it up. It needs to be perfect.”

Joan decided to interrupt. “Mom,” she said.

Helen held up her finger, “I’ll be there in a second.” Helen returned to Sage. “Sage, it’s been a long day, I’m sure you’re tired.”

“Nope, not tired.” Sage stopped what she was doing and then moved to her right where she had a notebook. She began jotting a few things down quickly. Then back to her art, then back to her notebook.

“Sage, Sage, you just need to relax and calm down. Stop for just a second, please.”

Sage reluctantly did so but Helen and Joan could see how agitated she was. “Have you even slept at all?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, so when was the last time you did sleep?”

“Uh, maybe two nights ago.”

“So you’ve been up for over forty-eight hours?”

“Maybe a little more, I’ve lost track. It's no big deal.”

“Okay here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to talk to the school principal and then we can see the school counselor and go from there okay.”  
“Forget it. I don’t want the shrink. I’m not crazy.”

“At least let me call your mom.”

“She won’t answer and even if you do this she won’t consent to any of it.”

“It doesn’t hurt to try.”

Sage began to pack up her things, “You know what, I’m fine now. You don’t have to talk to anyone. I just got a little too intense in my work. It’s no big deal all artists get like that sometimes. I’m not crazy.”

“I’m not saying you are. I just think you might need a little help that’s all.”

“Well I don’t, I’m fine.”

Sage stormed out of the classroom without so much as a word to Joan.

“Sorry about that honey,” said Helen, “you ready to go?”

‘Look deeper’, God’s voice was telling her in her head.

“Can you give me a second. I forgot something at my locker.”

“Sure.”

*****

When Joan found Sage, she was in the bathroom. It hadn’t even occurred to Sage to go into a stall since no one was around anyways. Joan noticed the scalpel on the counter, clearly stolen from the science classroom and drops of blood on the sink. 

“Damn it,” Sage whispered. She lowered her sleeves, not bothering to bandage up her cuts, and quickly threw the blade in the trash.

*****

“Sage,” Joan said as she found her the next day at school. “Hey can we talk?”

“About what?”

“I think you know.” 

“Look whatever you think you saw, you didn’t so just let it go.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not, what’s it to you?”

“Because I’m involved now.”

“No you’re not,” said Sage, “this is my business okay, not yours.”

“Sage, Sage come on, I can help.”

“I don’t need any help. Why don’t you go back to your life and I’ll go back to mine okay?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Joan, just back the hell off!” Sage said as she walked away.

Joan watched as she walked off and didn’t realize her friends coming next to her until she heard Grace.

“Another one of your weird friends?” asked Grace.

“Sage is not weird.”

“Wait,” said Adam, “Sage as in Sage Hathaway?”

“You know her?”

“Kind of, she spends most of her time alone. I see her reading all the time even in math class.”

“What do you know?”

“Why do you even care, Girardi,” asked Grace.

“Seriously Adam, what do you know?”

“Not much other than what I just told you. Oh she does spend her time in the library a lot. Usually in the back history section.”

“Great,” said Grace, “She is a freak. Who reads history for fun?”

“Anything else?”

“I’ve actually heard she is a freak,” said Grace. “When she’s not keeping to herself she’s always going off or ranting too much, talking too fast. Then another day she’ll be a mess. I’ve heard she even skips school sometimes. Like I said, freak.”

“Why are you asking so many questions about her?” asked Adam.

“Yeah, are you like stalking her, dude,” asked Grace. 

“No. Uh, apparently I’m supposed to look deeper at things.”

“What does that even mean?” Grace asked.

“Never mind. Adam, are you sure you don’t know much else about her?”

“I swear. She mainly keeps to herself and when people do try to talk to her she just blows them off.”

“Thanks, Adam.”

*****

The next morning at school Joan had decided to blow off her friends. She gave them some lame excuse that her bus was running late even though Grace had seen her walk into the library.

“Figured I’d find you here,” Joan whispered to Sage.

“So what, you’re like stalking me now?”

“No, not stalking,” Joan held up her notebook, “history report. It’s due tomorrow. Mind if I sit?”

Sage shrugged so Joan took that as her invitation.

“So how’s your arm?”

“It’s fine.”

“You know you should maybe have the nurse take a look at it.”

“I said it’s fine.”

“Look, whatever is going on, maybe I can help. That’s all I’m trying to do.”

Sage just rolled her eyes and grabbed her belongings. Joan followed after her. 

“You can help, really?” Sage asked. “Can you bring my dad back, can you get my mom out of her depression, because as much as I’ve been through my own…thing…she hasn’t gotten out of bed in three days.”

*****

“You’re sure this is okay,” Sage asked when she entered Joan’s house.

“Yeah, it’s not a problem,” Joan replied. 

“Beats being at home I guess. My mom is a good mom, she just has these manic episodes sometimes.”

“Yeah about that,” said Joan as they took a seat at the table. Joan pulled out a couple of books. “I got these from the bookstore I work at. I’ve been reading up on bipolar disorder. Turns out you could be bipolar just like your mom.” Sage sighed, “You already know that don’t you?”

Sage nodded. “I got diagnosed last year.”

“Have you been to therapy, thought about medication?”

“I took myself off.”

Joan nodded. It was in several of the books that talked about patients getting off their meds.

“Don’t they help?”

“You saw how I was a couple days ago. I love that high, that rush. You know I’m able to get things done a lot more efficiently and things are so much simpler.”

“How are things simpler, you haven’t slept in over fifty hours by now I’m guessing.”

“It’s no big deal.”

“No big deal, Sage you’re experiencing all of the classic symptoms of a manic episode.”

“Don’t you think I know that? I’m familiar with all of it. If I have to go through all of those things just to feel the best part then I’m willing to even if it means I don’t sleep much. It’s fun.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

“You don’t know what this is like.”

“Maybe not but I know what it looks like when someone needs help. You can’t see it or you probably don’t want to but you need help, Sage. At least let me talk to my mom about it. This goes beyond me since I’m no therapist but if you can get stable isn’t it worth it?”

“Don’t you get it, Joan? I don’t want to be stable. I love the rush too much.”

“Maybe but then the crash isn’t as fun is it?”

Sage sighed in defeat. “Why are you trying to help me?”

“Because people need to look out for each other sometimes and then deeper I saw into your story, it gave me courage to stand up for it.”  
Sage just looked at Joan. She wanted to say something to her but couldn’t find the words. It didn’t matter anyways since her art teacher entered the house.

“Sage,” said Helen, “this is a surprise.”

Sage stood up, “I was just leaving.”

“Wait,” Joan said to her, “It’s okay now. You don’t have to be afraid, you don’t have to go through this alone anymore.” Sage only looked at Joan but then gave her a nod. “Mom,” said Joan, “We need your help.”

Helen glanced at the table to see a few books scattered on the table. A couple were opened and one was closed but the title jumped at her easily since it read “manic depressive”. Helen smiled at the girls.

“Whatever you need,” Helen said to Sage.

*****

“Joan,” said Helen as they all sat around the dinner table, “why don’t you tell us about your day?”

“You already know how my day went,” replied Joan, “you were there.”

“Joan helped out a student who needed a little extra help on some personal matters. Pretty much saved her life.”

Her brother’s laughed.

“Right,” said Kevin, “you saved a person’s life like that.”

Her dad looked at her, “You’re being serious aren’t you?”

“Yeah I am,” Joan replied. “It was a girl from school.”

“Wait what girl,” asked her dad.

“Just a friend,” said Joan.

Helen looked at her husband, “you were at work.”

“Look, it was no big deal, Sage just needed a little help that’s all.”

“You didn’t even know her,” said Luke. 

“So?”

“So it’s kind of weird. I mean it’s bad enough that you talk to all of these weird people around school and now you’re helping out some stranger.”  
“Wait,” said Will, “what weird people?”

“Let’s see there’s this really looking guy at school that Joan swears isn’t her new boyfriend.”

“He’s not.”

“And then there’s this creepy looking goth dude.”

“They’re not weird!”

“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen you talk to random people on the street too. Like that balloon guy a while back, I mean what was with that?”

“Would you shut up?”

“Joan,” said Helen.

“They’re not weird okay, they’re…friends…sometimes…it’s complicated.”

“See that right there,” said Luke. “You have these people in your life that you talk to but never introduce us to and then when we try to ask you get all defensive.”

“I’m not being defensive!”

“Thus proving my point.”

“Look, it’s complicated alright.”

“Then help us understand, sweetie,” said Will. “Maybe whatever is going on we can help.”

“Yeah or send me back to crazy camp.”

“Would that really be such a bad thing,” Kevin asked.

Joan gave him a sour look.

“Kevin,” said Helen, “we know you’re sister isn’t crazy. She’s just going through some stuff. Helen turned to her daughter, “right, Joan?”

“Yeah,” said Luke, “crazy stuff. You do all of these weird things and you expect us all to go along with it but you never let anyone in. I mean what’s that about?”

“Now you’re starting to sound like Grace.”

“Well she kind of has a point,” Luke shot back. 

“So is that what you all think, I mean everyone does right? Even if I told you no none of you would believe me.”

“Because you haven’t given us the chance,” said Helen. “We’re just all concerned that’s all.”

“Well don’t be. These things I do, there are reasons and when I do them things turn out okay. Like today. If I hadn’t helped Sage then she would still be manic and cutting herself. At least now she has a chance of getting better.”

Helen nodded, “And I’m proud of you for that, Joan, I really am but I also remember you telling me that but don’t you think it would help if you let us in, maybe whatever burden you’re carrying wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to carry it alone.”

“God, it is not a burden okay. This is just what I’m meant to do with my life. Can’t you all understand that?”

“No sweetie,” said Will, “we can’t.”

“You know what, forget it,” said Joan as she moved her chair back, “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do what,” said Helen, “we haven’t even done anything.”

“I just can’t,” Joan repeated. “I need some air.”

Without saying another word or without allowing her family to, Joan got up from her seat and headed outside.

“Yup,” said Kevin when she was gone, “definitely crazy.” His parents only gave him scornful looks.

Outside Joan took a deep breath, grateful she didn’t have to deal with that anymore.

“Lovely night tonight, isn’t it, Joan,” said a new God she wasn’t familiar with, bicycle God who looked to be in his forties.

“Seriously,” said Joan, “You decide to show up now.” Bicycle God just looked at her. “You know this whole thing between us is getting way out of hand. Now you’ve got my family interrogating me like I’ve done something wrong.”

“They don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, Joan.”

“Oh really, then what was that?”

“They’re you’re family, families worry about each other. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about that.”

Inside, Luke was watching from the window as Joan was talking to the man.

“Mom,” he called over his shoulder, “Joan’s being weird again.”

“What are you talking about, Luke,” Helen said coming to the window to stand by her son.

Outside Joan was still talking. “Nothing shameful or wrong, then why does it seem that way?”

“Because you feel it. Joan, you feel their concern. Feeling someone else’s concern, or pain or worry is what makes you human. Think about how the world would be if I made it so you wouldn’t feel, you wouldn’t get a sense of each other, you wouldn’t be able to connect, you would be shells of yourselves, you in essence wouldn’t be human. You saw the ripple you had on Sage. Had you not intervened she would still be cutting right now.”

“You’re saying she would have done that tonight?”

God nodded, “only it would have been a lot worse. She would have ended up in the hospital tonight from going too far. You saved her life, Joan.”  
“So she could have died.”

“Yes.”

“And my parents, my brothers, what am I supposed to do, tell them the truth?”

Joan hadn’t realized her mom had come outside and heard her last words.

Bicycle God smiled and gave Helen a nod.

“Everything okay, out here?” Helen asked Joan.

“Fine,” Joan said.

“Remember,” said God, “telling people the truth is up to you. It would be so much easier for you if you let at least one person in.”

“I’ve tried, remember, several times. You know how that’s turned out.”

“Never hurts to try again,” God said, “Every time you try something the outcome is never the same. You have a goodnight, Joan.”

Bicycle God continued on his way.

“A stranger knows who you are,” Helen said to Joan with worry in her voice.

“It’s a long story.”

“That always seems to be the case with you.”

“Yeah, well.”

“Joan, why can’t you just tell me your secret?”

“Because it’s not that easy,” Joan said as she went inside, her mother following behind. “Just the fact that we’ve been having these conversations all night is more than I’ve shared with anyone can’t that be enough?”

Her brother’s watched from the kitchen as Joan and their mom were talking.

“You haven’t shared anything with anyone Joan, and that’s the problem. All night you’ve been dancing around whatever it is you’re hiding.”

“Mom, I can’t. Just let it go okay?”

“No, Joan, I won’t just let it go. You’re my daughter and something is clearly going on with you so can you blame us if it’s got us all worried?”  
“I guess not. It’s just that it goes beyond your regular teenage girl drama.”

“Jesus, Joan,”. Helen raised her hands and looked up, “sorry, I meant no offense by that.” She focused back on her daughter, “it’s like whatever is going on has some kind of higher power to it.”

Joan remained silent and looked at her mom. Her mom looked back as if suddenly figuring it out.

“See,” said Luke, “she is crazy.”

Joan turned to her brother, “Shut up!” She then shook her head, “you know what mom, just forget it, okay? It’s been a long day and I’m tired so I just want to go to bed. Maybe tomorrow this will all just feel like one big nightmare.”

Without waiting for a word from her mom or anymore snide comments from her brother’s Joan headed back upstairs.

*****

The next morning Helen was in the kitchen. Will and Kevin had already left for work, Luke was busy in the kitchen studying when Joan came downstairs and grabbed a pop-tart.

“Good you’re finally up,” said Helen, “I was hoping we could talk.”

“Can’t,” said Joan, “I’ve got a science thing.”

“We’re in the same class,” said Luke, “how come I don’t have a science thing?” Joan shot him a look. “Right, must have slipped my mind. I’m just gonna go.”

“Mom,” said Joan, “I really have to go.”

“Whatever your thing is, I’m sure it can wait,” Helen said not believing her daughter to begin with. “Come on, sit, let’s talk.”

Joan took a deep breath and sighed. She placed her bag on the table. “Talk about what?”

“About what happened last night.”

“Mom do we really-,”

“Joan, a lot was said last night but there was one thing in particular that stood out.”

“Like what?”

“Like me saying that there was some kind of higher power to whatever it is your going through. Your silence, well it meant something to me.”

“Mom, I was just silent, okay. I didn’t know what to say to that.”

“Are you sure that’s all it was?”

“Yeah I’m sure.”

“Here’s the thing Joan, I thought it over last night and then I thought about the things you do and all of the strange people you talk to and-,”

“They’re not strange they’re just…people.”

“And it all just added up. You are seeing God aren’t you?”

“Mom can we not do this, please.”

“Why because it’s true? Joan, I made a mistake before in not believing in you but I believe you now.”

“You do?”

Helen smiled, “Yes.”

“Why? I mean I’ve been doing all these things for over a year.”

“Well last year I couldn’t really see it but then I had this weird dream about God as a teenage boy and it got me thinking and got me back into the church.”

“A teenage boy?”

“I know it sounds a bit strange.”

“So kind of cute looking, corduroy jacket.”

“You’ve seen him like that too?”

“So you would believe me if I said yes?”

Again Helen smiled.

“So does this mean I don’t have to go see doctor Dan anymore?”

“I think one more session would be good but after that then no.”

“Mom, you can’t tell dad about this.”

“This will be our secret, I promise. You should go. You don’t want to be late.”

Joan nodded and then hugged her mom much to her surprise. When she left for school she was relieved. Now at least she had one person she could talk to. God had been a lot to handle and the fact that she had been going at the whole thing alone only made her situation worse sometimes. She’d wanted to tell people but knew no one would believe her. She’d wanted to tell her parents but they thought she was crazy for a time. Now to have her mom on her side, someone who actually believed in God, she hoped would make things much simpler.   
Joan smiled to herself. Her day was going to be okay even if she did get some mission from God.


End file.
